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April 28, 2017

Faith and Infertility


image (2)“Unexplained infertility” was the most heart wrenching diagnosis I have ever received. It’s one of those things that leaves an empty feeling in your gut. When you are in the middle of it you feel all alone, even if you are in the waiting area of an infertility clinic surrounded by people who are also struggling to have babies.

My husband and I have experienced 5 miscarriages. It is a phase of life we talk about often because it says so much about who God is. You see, our journey has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with bringing God glory.

It is not something that many people talk about but I believe it should be. 1 in 4 women have had a miscarriage. That is huge. That means 1 in 4 women have carried babies they have never been able to hold. These are women who have cried themselves to sleep countless nights, conquered bitterness, smiled through pain, and have spent time feeling totally alone.

I remember every miscarriage so vividly. I remember the doctors voice the times he called me on the phone after hours to inform me that I was losing the pregnancy. I remember the ultrasounds that confirmed the pregnancies occurred in the tubes. I remember everything.

I was angry at God, and boy did He know it! Now that I am on the outside, I truly see how my honesty with God during those times formed how He revealed Himself to me later. God knew I was hurt, He knew I was bitter, there was no emotion I could hide from Him.

The last miscarriage we had is when I was told it was “just unexplained infertility.” I had that sinking feeling and we decided we were just going to stop trying. We had exhausted every option and nothing was working. Little did I know that God had something so marvelous in mind. I never lost sight of my desire to be a Mommy. I knew somehow God would deliver that promise to me.

To give you a time frame, our last miscarriage happened in November 2013. On New Years Eve, as we welcomed in 2014 at a church function, a friend of ours got up and delivered a message that literally changed our lives forever. I believe the message was specifically for us. It was about Abraham being told by God to sacrifice his son Isaac. Abraham loved his son so much, but loved God more. He was willing to sacrifice one of the most important things in his life. We were challenged that night to think of the one thing God was calling us to lay on the altar. The specific question was, “What is your Isaac?” Our Isaac was our fertility issues. We were so wrapped up in solving our own problems that our issues become the center over our lives and our faith was so dimmed we were too blind to see it. That night we laid down our Isaac and trusted that at the right time God would intervene just like He did when He kept Abraham from killing Isaac. We continued to pray for a testimony of victory but stopped obsessing over it. In March of 2014 we found out we were pregnant again and for the first time, we were confident of God’s hand in it all.

For a month we prayed and prayed for that testimony of victory. At 8 weeks, we saw on the ultrasound our tiny miracle and saw the heart beating away. We had never made it far enough to every see anything. It was happening. God was answering our prayers and delivering His promises to us. He was fulfilling the desires of our hearts.

That precious miracle was born in November 2014 and will soon be 2 years old. The real kicker was when he was 8 months old God surprised us with another pregnancy! In March 2016 Bolden became a big brother to our 2nd miracle and honest surprise Pierce. God shows up in a big way!

He is faithful!

He answers prayers!

He is bigger than infertility!

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